If only, my thoughts
It finally happened at the end of the year and the year was the year gone by i.e. 2007. The month was December, a month to sit back and analyze one’s self development, one’s accomplishments or rather the lack of it both personally and career wise. The most vital parameter to gauge oneself by is almost non-existent but I must say it’s gradually picking up momentum. Even as I write this, there are thousands searching for it, more thousands carrying the route map and thousands more struggling to walk the PATH. One may wonder, what is that ‘most vital parameter’? Hmmm… spiritual angle of self-growth!
December had set in like the gloomy results day at school! Looking back at how the year had begun, I was amazed at the sheer human spirit I had displayed! The lone, single woman: me, living alone in an alien city; the ‘committed’ yet ‘so far’ partner wandering to greener, younger pastures… the divine twist in the tale; my faith restored; my dignity safe guarded by the forces; my ever demanding boss… ready to raise the bar (usually at the nearby café). But, a new hassle had set in, a familiar discomfort… I felt like a failure; my insides had compressed, my hair grayed at a faster pace, my entire life flashed like a movie…the more I saw, the more I knew…. I’ve never really walked a path, any path at all… for every two steps forward, hmmmm, Providence pushed me one step backward! This year too is slipping away.
What was wrong? My thought process, my bad luck factor or worst still something eerie, something unknown, something which followed me like a thundercloud when it’s all sunshine for everyone!
I needed help. Had heard about a meditation camp… read more at their website… ten days of monastic life. No lies, no murder, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, silence of mind and body! Also, in line with my company’s ‘Global Christmas Shutdown’! This was for me, what a way to correct a perfect disaster of a year, I signed up at once! Merry Christmas everyone!
The Teacher said “Observe your breath”.
Hmmm… what the …this is so simple. No deep long breaths, no one nostril breath, no inhuman posture; just plain and simple relaxing and observing one’s breath! I’m game for this… like I knew Providence was guiding me now, at last… kind of late but hey, I’m not complaining… Who knows… I might just live another hundred years or so on this divine Path!
Observe I did, man… so many mosquitoes during evening meditation, horrific stink during early morning meditation given the new ‘simple, divine’ meals, none of us were used to! The men busy observing the seriously meditating Americans, Europeans.. you know basically all the white skinned ones.
The Teacher said “Observe Within”.
Oh !! OK.. That’s simple. No big deal. I observed within……man, I was tired, slept so few hours compared to the hectic meditation for eleven and a half hours every day… my spine felt like a hot rod that needed some molding, my neck wasn’t mine, my knees were major pain centers; but surely Mother Providence loved me now, and soon her hand will brush away all my pain and I could see myself levitating at a higher plane!
Holy Christ … if only had I ceased talking.. talking to myself! Constant chatter…old buried memories got fresher. I began blasting at past people; scolded myself for having made the wrong choices all the time, cried out my heart with every loss I had been through, plotted revenge against lost people who had pierced my innocence, even planned a list of new year’s resolutions filled with conspiracy, lies and deceit!
The Teacher said ‘Only observe; do not analyze or react or respond; you are just an observer here’.
The Teacher said ‘There are no mistakes; only lessons to be learnt from them’.
The Teacher said ‘Everything is impermanent (anicchya); everything an illusion (maya)’.
The Teacher said ‘There are no unjustified acts; everything and everyone enact their respective roles, the director being Mother Nature’.
OK… then what the … am I doing here? How will this help improve my future mistakes..err sorry future experiences; everything I see is an illusion; all my torturers were instructed by God. I’m not supposed to react or respond… just a silent spectator who’s supposedly only allowed to observe her own role. OK then, so be it.
Meditation sure is hard work, one that involves perseverance, discipline, tolerance and sheer grit. I’m game for this but not now. It’s not the right time. I’m young.. I love to talk to myself… I mean despite the failures, loss and grief, I love to scold, blast, curse and pass comments. How could I ever be silent and only observe?